Adopted and Unashamed

(this is a part of an email I wrote to my siblings. I wanted to share it publicly as a testimony to God's love) 

 

My name is Sarah and I am a child of God, redeemed by His sacrifice on Calvary. I love hearing everyone’s adoption story, so I want to share mine. When I was five, I prayed and got baptized. In all sincerity, I don’t remember that. I really don’t. I believe I loved God in a childish way, but I didn’t understand what it meant to be saved. I grew up in a full-time ministry home and my parents raised me according to the Bible. When I was 7 we became missionaries and soon thereafter found ourselves on the mission field. At the age of 10 I was teaching a Sunday School class and was involved full time in the ministry work since then. By nature, I thrive on the approval of people. This is a downfall of my personality type, but it is part of me. In the religious environment that I grew up in, the “in” thing was to be a Christian, serve God, talk about God, love God, teach classes, go soul winning, etc. So I did a lot. I spent hours reading my Bible, writing lessons, teaching, counseling, discipling, etc. But no one could see my heart. 

No one knew the fear I felt whenever I thought about Christ coming back to the earth. I was afraid that when He came back I would not have done enough. The honest truth is that I would think up something that would be the hardest for me, that would push me to my limits, and that is what I wanted to do in order to “do enough”. No one knew that the hours I spent reading my Bible was to make mom think well of me or to live up to the “follow Sarah’s example” phrase. No one saw the things I desired and yearned to experience. For years I struggled with fear and worry in an extreme sense. I would try to “do what God wanted” and I would say I was going to be in the ministry, etc… but then I would get hurt by something someone did and I wouldn’t care about God anymore and I would want to be in the FBI, be a journalist, be a teacher, etc. When churches treated us badly, I was ready to live my own life. But when a church thought I was great and applauded my plans to build an orphanage, I felt good.

 Let me just be straightforward, I had no peace. There was never that joy and rest that comes from knowing God. Most of what I did was to please others. In 2008 some things started to happen that slowly chipped away at my relationship with dad until there was nothing left. I got to the point where hatred and distrust consumed any love I felt for him and the desire to please him and make him proud vanished. When I came to the States, I did what I wanted to do. I entertained thoughts of being everything I wanted to be. You know what’s crazy? I experienced no guilt. I didn’t care in the least. I didn’t care because I didn’t care what anyone thought. So all “stops” were pulled out.  I’m talking all out, guys. I wanted to live the life I’ve wanted to experience ever since I was like 11 or 12. I tried to convince myself that God didn’t exist. I read books and tried to be an atheist. Still, no peace. I tried Eastern religions to give me a peace, still no hope. (ok, so I seriously was looking into a religion where you prayed to a picture of an Indian lady! I mean, how far can a person go?! I KNOW that idol worship is bad, I taught all my life against that… yet I tried it!) 

 BUT GOD wasn’t willing to let me live like that. Just like a dead person doesn’t know they’re dead, I didn’t know. A dead person doesn’t just one day sit up and say “Oh, I think I want to be alive!” An outside Source has to come in a breathe life into them… or else they will stay dead. I was dead, but I didn’t realize that. I would wonder sometimes if I was even saved but I would effectively squish those thoughts by telling myself that I got saved when I was 5 and that no bad person could do all the good things I was doing. Yet I couldn’t understand why my life wasn’t different. Why didn’t I experience the joy and confidence that Lucia had? Why couldn’t I love God no matter what, like Mery and mom? What was the secret? What did I have to do? 

So there I was ( a short while ago) living the life of sin I wanted to live and thinking I was happy, BUT GOD took it all away. He let my sand castle tumble. He brought me to the end of myself. And you know what? For the first time in my life I was overwhelmed with the truth that I am a sinner. I am a horrible wicked person and there was no way I could ever go to heaven. For the first time, I believed. I believed that I was a child of the devil, born in the flesh. I believed that God had to send His Son to die because there was no way I could ever be enough, ever do enough to earn my way into His Kingdom. I believed that all I had to do what believe on Him and I would be saved. So, I did.

 And let me tell you, what I have now I’ve never had before. The peace and joy in my heart is unsurpassed. The Bible is coming alive to me because I see myself in it everywhere! I wake up every morning and my first thought is, “I’m saved!” Every promise is life and I know that I have been redeemed. I always thought I was a good person, everyone always told me what a great leader, teacher, sister, etc I was. Now I see that there really is no good in me. None whatsoever. Outside of God, I have no hope. That’s another thing! Before, I would get so depressed and discouraged! I felt like I was just drowning in the dark sea… but I have hope now! Eternal life doesn’t depend on my being perfect and never making a mistake! I know that I still am Sarah, but I don’t feel like myself anymore! Truly, I am a new creature! Everything old is passed away, He has made me new! 

Know what? Some people may not believe me, but that’s ok. I know in my heart that I am saved now and that I was not saved before. Tears come to my eyes every time I think of God’s forgiveness, of His love, His patience. I am not ashamed in the least to say that I am now a child of God, because it is His redemptive work. I am not ashamed to say that He has made me His very own. 

My point for writing you is simple, I want you to be sure beyond a shadow of a doubt that you are God’s child because you believed. NOT because you said a prayer. NOT because you’ve been really involved. NOT because everyone says you’re such a good missionary. To honor mom and dad you have to do what the Bible says because that’s what they’ve taught us. So you can DO all the right things without being saved! Let me encourage you to do this: read Eph. 2 and see if you are in that chapter. Up until a little bit ago, I never saw ME in those verses. 

Ok, I’ve talked enough. I love you. I’m not perfect. I am not the perfect example or the perfect sister (though many times it seems like that is how I was portrayed) If me just now being saved makes you feel like I’ve let you down, I sure am sorry. I am just so grateful that I AM saved now. I’ve tried both sides, and I know the only place that you’ll ever be truly happy is in Jesus. I love you! Please write me back. 

Love, 

Sarah Beth