Blind-folded drama

Being blind-folded is the worst. Especially when you’re involved in some sort of skit or illustration, cause you have no idea what is coming at you! It kinda goes hand-in-hand with someone insisting you close your eyes and open your mouth. Seriously?! That’s crazy talk! I don’t know about you, but in those situations I am not feeling comfortable or relaxed regardless of hearing, “It’s ok, you can trust me!” Something I super don’t enjoy is when I’m blindfolded and being led somewhere. I mean, I trip enough with my eyes open! Blindfolding me and expecting me to not end up on my face just isn’t the brightest idea in the world.

 I smile at the memory of my little sister preparing a surprise for me and wanting to lead me to it with my eyes closed.  I closed my eyes tight (no peeking!) and allowed her to grab both my hands and pull me forward. I slid one foot in front of the other just to ensure I remained upright! We ended up having a lovely picnic and I sure wish I could give her a big hug right now! 

Today I have that idea in my head. The position of being blindfolded, yet being pulled or led forward. Personally, when I’ve been there and the other person is pulling me along faster than I’m comfortable with, I’ll lean way back so I can have time to prepare for whatever is coming! I’ll dig my heels in just a bit so I’m not as nervous about the whole not-seeing thing! 

I feel like I’m doing that with God. He’s trying to lead me forward yet I’m so scared because I can’t see. The horrible thing is, I can’t see, but I can hear. I can worry. I can feel. There are so many doubt and fears clamoring for my attention that sometimes the voice of His promises are drowned out. There are so many loose ends and unexplained trials that I lose sight of Him and worry clouds my eyes. Reality can be choked by feelings, especially when family is so far away and answers aren't forthcoming!

This tension between Him leading forward and me pulling back has to end. Either I have to stop resisting or He’s going to have to stop directing! Put like that, the “what should I do?!” question seems comically clear. Ps. 147:5 reads, “Great is our Lord, and of great power: his understanding is infinite.” God is great, big, strong! He’s over everything and seems extra GREAT in light of my itty bitty smallness! Not only is He great, but He has great power! Whatever His great mind wants for my little life, He has the great power to carry out! The last part of the verse really smacked me upside the head. Who do I think I am to rest in my judgment and act on my fears when my understanding is so miniscule?! His understanding is infinite! No limit, no end or start… infinite. Immeasurably great.

As kids we would always try to one-up each other in everything. A common conversation would be, “Hey I can eat two hotdogs!” “Oh really? Well I can eat twelve hot dogs!” “Oh yeah?! Well, I can eat one thousand plus infinity hot dogs!” Whoever used the “infinity” line first always one. I mean, how do you beat infinity? So, here I am… such a silly human. Blind fold still in place and I still don’t see where I’m headed. Know what? It’s ok because the One holding my hand is great, has great power, oh, and get this… He’s infinite. He’s already been there. It’s all good.

Sea of Me

Hopeless doesn't begin to describe
the "here" in which I find myself
Choking on deadly thoughts
Desperate because of fears
Dragged below by the strength
of "I must be" and "never enough"

I am drowning in a sea of me
Currents of expectations thrust
Jagged rocks of worry maim
Predators lurking in dark masks
I'm sinking down, always down, almost gone
Who can save me from me?

"This ends here. You are Mine!
I will give you Truth
I will rescue you every time
I will hold out My hand
No matter how long it takes to save you
from the raging sea of you"

Abba, cold and weak I come
Plucked out again by Your grace
I'm still with breath, yet so ashamed
How many times has it now been?
"No matter that, child, come
 Let Me restore. Allow me to renew."

So I sit in the cool
The birds sing me their calm
The rain ministers- God over all
Everything around me lifts my eyes
I'm no longer in the sea of me
for I now can see You.

Wilderness Water

Is. 43:18-19 " Remember ye not the former things, neither consider the things of old.  Behold, I will do a new thing; now it shall spring forth; shall ye not know it? I will even make a way in the wilderness, and rivers in the desert."

This has been my "cling-to" verse lately. In many ways, I would label the past few months as a wilderness for me. Having Jesus Christ as my Savior definitely changes everyday life, but I find that it didn't necessarily change my location. (btw, today is our two-week anniversary! I LOVE being saved!)

What comes to mind when you think of a wilderness? Growing up in Tacna, it's easy for me to imagine the sand, lack of vegetation, harsh sun reflecting off the dunes, cloudless sky, and intense heat. Heat, hunger, thirst, loneliness, depression, fear, wild animals, despair... these are all words that come to mind when I picture a "wilderness".

I believe that each person has their wilderness seasons in life. For some, the wilderness is extreme and daunting. For others, the wilderness may be a comparatively small change in their life that feels overwhelming. Being totally open with you, my wilderness is being away from home. For me, home is Tacna and home is my family. My lowest points lately have been moments where my longing to see them seems almost impossible to manage.

Being able to visualize a wilderness and identifying with that place, I find comfort in Psalm 63. David finds himself in a wilderness as a result of God's direct command. What God would purposefully guide His child to a place of solitude, a place removed from society, a place where food and water is scarce?! A God that loves His child beyond comprehension... that's Who!

Verse 1 gives me reason to pause and mediate on several different points. If you find yourself in a wilderness, wondering how you got there, desperate to how long you'll stay, and frantic to get out... take a moment to walk through this verse with me.

Oh, God... Who is your God? How powerful is He? How loving is He? What has He done for You? How would life be different if He wasn't Holy, Just, or Righteous?

Now that we understand Who we're talking about, let's take it deeper.

My God... IS He your God? Dust off the memories of your salvation. How did He pursue you? How miraculous is it that YOU were saved by Him?!

Early will I seek Thee... Yes, you can seek Him early in the day. In fact, I prefer morning Bible reading over evening study. But, how about... early in the path leading to worry? Or, early in the process of decision making? Are you waiting till you exhaust your own strength before turning to Him?

My soul thirsteth, my flesh longeth...in a dry and thirsty land where no water is...You have needs. There is nothing wrong with facing that and owning it. In fact, you have constant needs! You have needs that even when they're met will again become needs shortly! The wilderness only amplifies your humanity and neediness. I mean, city life is easy. If you're thirsty, just pour yourself a glass of water and it's done! In the wilderness, God has to provide every need. Don't resent your needs, admit to having them! And guess what, my friend? This world has NOTHING you need. Nope. Nada. So, I mean, you could wander over to THEIR wilderness and poke around their cactus, but you'll discover they have no water. They only have fancy neon signs and lots of false advertisement.

for THEE... What are you begging God for? Answers? Solutions? Direction? Provision? Power? Oh... don't miss this! HE is the Water! He is the reason you're here! The only thing that will satisfy is more of Him! David understood! He and his band of outcast men were sent to the wilderness by the hand of God. Far removed from family, opportunities to become famous, the chance to make money, and even the means to met his own needs, David realized that the only One that would really suffice was God.

David was anointed to be King. The logical place for his dream and calling to be fulfilled was somewhere kinda near a palace, right? Yet, God Almighty directed him to a wilderness. There is something to be said about God's plans. It was there, in that wilderness, that David learned that the way to having every need met was the way leading to God's heart. David was given rivers in the desert, spiritual rivers flowing from the Water of Life.

Adopted and Unashamed

(this is a part of an email I wrote to my siblings. I wanted to share it publicly as a testimony to God's love) 

 

My name is Sarah and I am a child of God, redeemed by His sacrifice on Calvary. I love hearing everyone’s adoption story, so I want to share mine. When I was five, I prayed and got baptized. In all sincerity, I don’t remember that. I really don’t. I believe I loved God in a childish way, but I didn’t understand what it meant to be saved. I grew up in a full-time ministry home and my parents raised me according to the Bible. When I was 7 we became missionaries and soon thereafter found ourselves on the mission field. At the age of 10 I was teaching a Sunday School class and was involved full time in the ministry work since then. By nature, I thrive on the approval of people. This is a downfall of my personality type, but it is part of me. In the religious environment that I grew up in, the “in” thing was to be a Christian, serve God, talk about God, love God, teach classes, go soul winning, etc. So I did a lot. I spent hours reading my Bible, writing lessons, teaching, counseling, discipling, etc. But no one could see my heart. 

No one knew the fear I felt whenever I thought about Christ coming back to the earth. I was afraid that when He came back I would not have done enough. The honest truth is that I would think up something that would be the hardest for me, that would push me to my limits, and that is what I wanted to do in order to “do enough”. No one knew that the hours I spent reading my Bible was to make mom think well of me or to live up to the “follow Sarah’s example” phrase. No one saw the things I desired and yearned to experience. For years I struggled with fear and worry in an extreme sense. I would try to “do what God wanted” and I would say I was going to be in the ministry, etc… but then I would get hurt by something someone did and I wouldn’t care about God anymore and I would want to be in the FBI, be a journalist, be a teacher, etc. When churches treated us badly, I was ready to live my own life. But when a church thought I was great and applauded my plans to build an orphanage, I felt good.

 Let me just be straightforward, I had no peace. There was never that joy and rest that comes from knowing God. Most of what I did was to please others. In 2008 some things started to happen that slowly chipped away at my relationship with dad until there was nothing left. I got to the point where hatred and distrust consumed any love I felt for him and the desire to please him and make him proud vanished. When I came to the States, I did what I wanted to do. I entertained thoughts of being everything I wanted to be. You know what’s crazy? I experienced no guilt. I didn’t care in the least. I didn’t care because I didn’t care what anyone thought. So all “stops” were pulled out.  I’m talking all out, guys. I wanted to live the life I’ve wanted to experience ever since I was like 11 or 12. I tried to convince myself that God didn’t exist. I read books and tried to be an atheist. Still, no peace. I tried Eastern religions to give me a peace, still no hope. (ok, so I seriously was looking into a religion where you prayed to a picture of an Indian lady! I mean, how far can a person go?! I KNOW that idol worship is bad, I taught all my life against that… yet I tried it!) 

 BUT GOD wasn’t willing to let me live like that. Just like a dead person doesn’t know they’re dead, I didn’t know. A dead person doesn’t just one day sit up and say “Oh, I think I want to be alive!” An outside Source has to come in a breathe life into them… or else they will stay dead. I was dead, but I didn’t realize that. I would wonder sometimes if I was even saved but I would effectively squish those thoughts by telling myself that I got saved when I was 5 and that no bad person could do all the good things I was doing. Yet I couldn’t understand why my life wasn’t different. Why didn’t I experience the joy and confidence that Lucia had? Why couldn’t I love God no matter what, like Mery and mom? What was the secret? What did I have to do? 

So there I was ( a short while ago) living the life of sin I wanted to live and thinking I was happy, BUT GOD took it all away. He let my sand castle tumble. He brought me to the end of myself. And you know what? For the first time in my life I was overwhelmed with the truth that I am a sinner. I am a horrible wicked person and there was no way I could ever go to heaven. For the first time, I believed. I believed that I was a child of the devil, born in the flesh. I believed that God had to send His Son to die because there was no way I could ever be enough, ever do enough to earn my way into His Kingdom. I believed that all I had to do what believe on Him and I would be saved. So, I did.

 And let me tell you, what I have now I’ve never had before. The peace and joy in my heart is unsurpassed. The Bible is coming alive to me because I see myself in it everywhere! I wake up every morning and my first thought is, “I’m saved!” Every promise is life and I know that I have been redeemed. I always thought I was a good person, everyone always told me what a great leader, teacher, sister, etc I was. Now I see that there really is no good in me. None whatsoever. Outside of God, I have no hope. That’s another thing! Before, I would get so depressed and discouraged! I felt like I was just drowning in the dark sea… but I have hope now! Eternal life doesn’t depend on my being perfect and never making a mistake! I know that I still am Sarah, but I don’t feel like myself anymore! Truly, I am a new creature! Everything old is passed away, He has made me new! 

Know what? Some people may not believe me, but that’s ok. I know in my heart that I am saved now and that I was not saved before. Tears come to my eyes every time I think of God’s forgiveness, of His love, His patience. I am not ashamed in the least to say that I am now a child of God, because it is His redemptive work. I am not ashamed to say that He has made me His very own. 

My point for writing you is simple, I want you to be sure beyond a shadow of a doubt that you are God’s child because you believed. NOT because you said a prayer. NOT because you’ve been really involved. NOT because everyone says you’re such a good missionary. To honor mom and dad you have to do what the Bible says because that’s what they’ve taught us. So you can DO all the right things without being saved! Let me encourage you to do this: read Eph. 2 and see if you are in that chapter. Up until a little bit ago, I never saw ME in those verses. 

Ok, I’ve talked enough. I love you. I’m not perfect. I am not the perfect example or the perfect sister (though many times it seems like that is how I was portrayed) If me just now being saved makes you feel like I’ve let you down, I sure am sorry. I am just so grateful that I AM saved now. I’ve tried both sides, and I know the only place that you’ll ever be truly happy is in Jesus. I love you! Please write me back. 

Love, 

Sarah Beth