Sea of Me

Hopeless doesn't begin to describe
the "here" in which I find myself
Choking on deadly thoughts
Desperate because of fears
Dragged below by the strength
of "I must be" and "never enough"

I am drowning in a sea of me
Currents of expectations thrust
Jagged rocks of worry maim
Predators lurking in dark masks
I'm sinking down, always down, almost gone
Who can save me from me?

"This ends here. You are Mine!
I will give you Truth
I will rescue you every time
I will hold out My hand
No matter how long it takes to save you
from the raging sea of you"

Abba, cold and weak I come
Plucked out again by Your grace
I'm still with breath, yet so ashamed
How many times has it now been?
"No matter that, child, come
 Let Me restore. Allow me to renew."

So I sit in the cool
The birds sing me their calm
The rain ministers- God over all
Everything around me lifts my eyes
I'm no longer in the sea of me
for I now can see You.

Wilderness Water

Is. 43:18-19 " Remember ye not the former things, neither consider the things of old.  Behold, I will do a new thing; now it shall spring forth; shall ye not know it? I will even make a way in the wilderness, and rivers in the desert."

This has been my "cling-to" verse lately. In many ways, I would label the past few months as a wilderness for me. Having Jesus Christ as my Savior definitely changes everyday life, but I find that it didn't necessarily change my location. (btw, today is our two-week anniversary! I LOVE being saved!)

What comes to mind when you think of a wilderness? Growing up in Tacna, it's easy for me to imagine the sand, lack of vegetation, harsh sun reflecting off the dunes, cloudless sky, and intense heat. Heat, hunger, thirst, loneliness, depression, fear, wild animals, despair... these are all words that come to mind when I picture a "wilderness".

I believe that each person has their wilderness seasons in life. For some, the wilderness is extreme and daunting. For others, the wilderness may be a comparatively small change in their life that feels overwhelming. Being totally open with you, my wilderness is being away from home. For me, home is Tacna and home is my family. My lowest points lately have been moments where my longing to see them seems almost impossible to manage.

Being able to visualize a wilderness and identifying with that place, I find comfort in Psalm 63. David finds himself in a wilderness as a result of God's direct command. What God would purposefully guide His child to a place of solitude, a place removed from society, a place where food and water is scarce?! A God that loves His child beyond comprehension... that's Who!

Verse 1 gives me reason to pause and mediate on several different points. If you find yourself in a wilderness, wondering how you got there, desperate to how long you'll stay, and frantic to get out... take a moment to walk through this verse with me.

Oh, God... Who is your God? How powerful is He? How loving is He? What has He done for You? How would life be different if He wasn't Holy, Just, or Righteous?

Now that we understand Who we're talking about, let's take it deeper.

My God... IS He your God? Dust off the memories of your salvation. How did He pursue you? How miraculous is it that YOU were saved by Him?!

Early will I seek Thee... Yes, you can seek Him early in the day. In fact, I prefer morning Bible reading over evening study. But, how about... early in the path leading to worry? Or, early in the process of decision making? Are you waiting till you exhaust your own strength before turning to Him?

My soul thirsteth, my flesh longeth...in a dry and thirsty land where no water is...You have needs. There is nothing wrong with facing that and owning it. In fact, you have constant needs! You have needs that even when they're met will again become needs shortly! The wilderness only amplifies your humanity and neediness. I mean, city life is easy. If you're thirsty, just pour yourself a glass of water and it's done! In the wilderness, God has to provide every need. Don't resent your needs, admit to having them! And guess what, my friend? This world has NOTHING you need. Nope. Nada. So, I mean, you could wander over to THEIR wilderness and poke around their cactus, but you'll discover they have no water. They only have fancy neon signs and lots of false advertisement.

for THEE... What are you begging God for? Answers? Solutions? Direction? Provision? Power? Oh... don't miss this! HE is the Water! He is the reason you're here! The only thing that will satisfy is more of Him! David understood! He and his band of outcast men were sent to the wilderness by the hand of God. Far removed from family, opportunities to become famous, the chance to make money, and even the means to met his own needs, David realized that the only One that would really suffice was God.

David was anointed to be King. The logical place for his dream and calling to be fulfilled was somewhere kinda near a palace, right? Yet, God Almighty directed him to a wilderness. There is something to be said about God's plans. It was there, in that wilderness, that David learned that the way to having every need met was the way leading to God's heart. David was given rivers in the desert, spiritual rivers flowing from the Water of Life.

Adopted and Unashamed

(this is a part of an email I wrote to my siblings. I wanted to share it publicly as a testimony to God's love) 

 

My name is Sarah and I am a child of God, redeemed by His sacrifice on Calvary. I love hearing everyone’s adoption story, so I want to share mine. When I was five, I prayed and got baptized. In all sincerity, I don’t remember that. I really don’t. I believe I loved God in a childish way, but I didn’t understand what it meant to be saved. I grew up in a full-time ministry home and my parents raised me according to the Bible. When I was 7 we became missionaries and soon thereafter found ourselves on the mission field. At the age of 10 I was teaching a Sunday School class and was involved full time in the ministry work since then. By nature, I thrive on the approval of people. This is a downfall of my personality type, but it is part of me. In the religious environment that I grew up in, the “in” thing was to be a Christian, serve God, talk about God, love God, teach classes, go soul winning, etc. So I did a lot. I spent hours reading my Bible, writing lessons, teaching, counseling, discipling, etc. But no one could see my heart. 

No one knew the fear I felt whenever I thought about Christ coming back to the earth. I was afraid that when He came back I would not have done enough. The honest truth is that I would think up something that would be the hardest for me, that would push me to my limits, and that is what I wanted to do in order to “do enough”. No one knew that the hours I spent reading my Bible was to make mom think well of me or to live up to the “follow Sarah’s example” phrase. No one saw the things I desired and yearned to experience. For years I struggled with fear and worry in an extreme sense. I would try to “do what God wanted” and I would say I was going to be in the ministry, etc… but then I would get hurt by something someone did and I wouldn’t care about God anymore and I would want to be in the FBI, be a journalist, be a teacher, etc. When churches treated us badly, I was ready to live my own life. But when a church thought I was great and applauded my plans to build an orphanage, I felt good.

 Let me just be straightforward, I had no peace. There was never that joy and rest that comes from knowing God. Most of what I did was to please others. In 2008 some things started to happen that slowly chipped away at my relationship with dad until there was nothing left. I got to the point where hatred and distrust consumed any love I felt for him and the desire to please him and make him proud vanished. When I came to the States, I did what I wanted to do. I entertained thoughts of being everything I wanted to be. You know what’s crazy? I experienced no guilt. I didn’t care in the least. I didn’t care because I didn’t care what anyone thought. So all “stops” were pulled out.  I’m talking all out, guys. I wanted to live the life I’ve wanted to experience ever since I was like 11 or 12. I tried to convince myself that God didn’t exist. I read books and tried to be an atheist. Still, no peace. I tried Eastern religions to give me a peace, still no hope. (ok, so I seriously was looking into a religion where you prayed to a picture of an Indian lady! I mean, how far can a person go?! I KNOW that idol worship is bad, I taught all my life against that… yet I tried it!) 

 BUT GOD wasn’t willing to let me live like that. Just like a dead person doesn’t know they’re dead, I didn’t know. A dead person doesn’t just one day sit up and say “Oh, I think I want to be alive!” An outside Source has to come in a breathe life into them… or else they will stay dead. I was dead, but I didn’t realize that. I would wonder sometimes if I was even saved but I would effectively squish those thoughts by telling myself that I got saved when I was 5 and that no bad person could do all the good things I was doing. Yet I couldn’t understand why my life wasn’t different. Why didn’t I experience the joy and confidence that Lucia had? Why couldn’t I love God no matter what, like Mery and mom? What was the secret? What did I have to do? 

So there I was ( a short while ago) living the life of sin I wanted to live and thinking I was happy, BUT GOD took it all away. He let my sand castle tumble. He brought me to the end of myself. And you know what? For the first time in my life I was overwhelmed with the truth that I am a sinner. I am a horrible wicked person and there was no way I could ever go to heaven. For the first time, I believed. I believed that I was a child of the devil, born in the flesh. I believed that God had to send His Son to die because there was no way I could ever be enough, ever do enough to earn my way into His Kingdom. I believed that all I had to do what believe on Him and I would be saved. So, I did.

 And let me tell you, what I have now I’ve never had before. The peace and joy in my heart is unsurpassed. The Bible is coming alive to me because I see myself in it everywhere! I wake up every morning and my first thought is, “I’m saved!” Every promise is life and I know that I have been redeemed. I always thought I was a good person, everyone always told me what a great leader, teacher, sister, etc I was. Now I see that there really is no good in me. None whatsoever. Outside of God, I have no hope. That’s another thing! Before, I would get so depressed and discouraged! I felt like I was just drowning in the dark sea… but I have hope now! Eternal life doesn’t depend on my being perfect and never making a mistake! I know that I still am Sarah, but I don’t feel like myself anymore! Truly, I am a new creature! Everything old is passed away, He has made me new! 

Know what? Some people may not believe me, but that’s ok. I know in my heart that I am saved now and that I was not saved before. Tears come to my eyes every time I think of God’s forgiveness, of His love, His patience. I am not ashamed in the least to say that I am now a child of God, because it is His redemptive work. I am not ashamed to say that He has made me His very own. 

My point for writing you is simple, I want you to be sure beyond a shadow of a doubt that you are God’s child because you believed. NOT because you said a prayer. NOT because you’ve been really involved. NOT because everyone says you’re such a good missionary. To honor mom and dad you have to do what the Bible says because that’s what they’ve taught us. So you can DO all the right things without being saved! Let me encourage you to do this: read Eph. 2 and see if you are in that chapter. Up until a little bit ago, I never saw ME in those verses. 

Ok, I’ve talked enough. I love you. I’m not perfect. I am not the perfect example or the perfect sister (though many times it seems like that is how I was portrayed) If me just now being saved makes you feel like I’ve let you down, I sure am sorry. I am just so grateful that I AM saved now. I’ve tried both sides, and I know the only place that you’ll ever be truly happy is in Jesus. I love you! Please write me back. 

Love, 

Sarah Beth

Too big for the stroller?

Illustrations really get me through life’s confusing moments. Anyone with me? I am a visual learner and I think that God caught onto this some time ago. (I’m being sarcastic! Have you noticed yet that God seems to teach you in the way that you learn best? Crazy. Almost like He knows you or something…) My “visual” this week has been a stroller and some very treacherous hills. Let’s take a hop back and I’ll explain my week.

Last week started with me being sick all Sunday night. Monday was spent flat on my back as the meds messed with my coordination and lucidity. No lie, medicine seems like an enemy rather than an aid! Generously coated over the next few days were problems at work, loneliness, spiritual struggles, an especially big trial, and other assortments of calamities. It wasn’t a horrible week, just a mildly frustrating/discouraging week. Spiritually, I felt like I was trying to go up the slide with socks on. (did I mention the big kids that kept coming DOWN the slide?! Don’t they know that it isn’t nice to squish girls?!)

Anyway… have you been there? It’s not a disaster week, but you come to the end and feel disheartened that you weren’t able to be everything you planned to be that week. 

This is where God’s visual for me was so helpful. He reminded me of a walk I took last week with two incredibly sweet little girls. As the evening cooled, we decided to tackle the road right outside of their house. We pulled out the double stroller and everyone got buckled up. Sadie, 2, was up front and Summer, 5, lounged in the back seat. The first little bit of our journey was ok, then Miss Sarah started to get tired! I mean, those hills were nicely built! Finally on, say, the third hill I started to pant just a little. Summer was keeping up a conversation and noticed when my replies got a little shorter and breathy. 

She asked, “Miss Sarah, are you getting tired?”

Me: “Yes, just a little. You guys are heavy!”

Summer: “Yeah. Here’s another hill. We’re gunna get really tired.”

Me: “What?” huff puff “We’re gunna get tired? I’m gunna get tired! I’m the one pushing! You guys are just sitting there!”

Summer: “Oh, yeah. I think we should go faster.”

We’re now in the middle of a hill.

Me: “What?! I can barely get up this one walking! I’m sure you think we could go faster, but I’m the one pushing!” 

Hahahaha I love those girls! We joked and laughed all day long. 

For some reason, God brought this conversation back to mind when He reminded me that He wanted me to rest in Him. At no point in life is He asking me to be perfect. He isn’t disappointed when I’m sick physically. At no point in life is He asking me to be emotionally neutral. So He isn’t upset when I’m emotionally tired after problems at work or when I cry because I miss my family. He doesn’t expect me to never be tempted. 

In short, as my Daddy He isn’t more proud of me when I tackle the hills by myself, He wants me to rest inside the stroller. As my Daddy, He doesn’t want me to be fearful of the hills and worry about them, He wants me to rest in the stroller. As my Daddy, He doesn’t want me to squeeze my eyes shut in fear. He wants me to enjoy the view as I rest in the stroller. 

Don’t make this your life motto, but I needed to be reminded to “rest in the stroller”.

Miss Chosen

Most people have seen a Miss Whatever-State crowning before, no? Lights, make-up, drama, excitement, tears, more drama, judges, qualifications, more drama… all to see who is the fairest of them all. Picture with me the moment when the name of the winner is announced. Keep in mind that this is something most of these girls have dreamed about for a lifetime. They worked hard at the gym, denied themselves a “normal” life, obsessed over their image, and possibly even alienated themselves from friends and family. This was the life goal, their identity, their life. Though the path was hard, they stand here now as the drum roll beats loudly in the speakers, the music crescendos, and the announcer slowly draws  out the announcement until, “bam!” her name is shouted! Picture the exploding glitter, the flashing lights, and the reaction of the other contestants. Now, look at the one whose name was called. Can you see the stunned look, the tears that well up automatically? I can almost feel her racing heart. Her shaking hands come to cover her mouth as they escort her away from the throng of contestants to stand, alone, in front of the audience. The cheering, the clapping, the music are all the sound of approval. As the crown is placed on her head, the weight is the mark of perfection, of finally being enough. All the other girls were special, but that crown sets her apart. She was chosen. Life could never possibly be the same. 

Now, imagine with me hours prior to the crowning ceremony a man walks a dark alley and sees a young girl crouched in the dark, chained by fears and a horrid past. Imagine He climbs the steps of a high school and calls to the girl who has always been labeled “fat” and “gross”. Imagine He interrupts a clarinet recital and calls the one playing to come with Him, knowing full well the perfection that has been expected of her. Imagine Him standing on the corners reaching out to everyone passing by. Imagine Him taking that girl backstage and wrapping her in a white robe and suddenly setting her right in the middle of the contestants complete with their glitz and attitudes. Here she stands among those that worked to be there. They jumped through every hoop, they did whatever it took. She did nothing. She just accepted the man’s offer to participate. Play through the scenario above one more time… but let’s imagine that the audience is One. The Judge is One. The crown is only His to give. 

You are chosen. 

Eph. 1:4, John 3:16

(btw, just a thought I had today... while working out! lol hey, inspiration hits at odd times! I don't mean to over spiritualize anything.)  :)

My Daddy

Each season of life is marked by lessons, joys, and regrets. I am young to a “real” adult and ancient to my little sister. Wherever you choose to place me on life’s timeline, I have been through several seasons of life myself. Seasons of joy, heartache, victory, captivity, giving or being needy have evidenced themselves in me.

When grasping for hope in dire circumstances, I, many Christians would chant Rom. 8:28 over and over until it would serve as a lullaby and quite my fussy fears. Yet, I found that the glossy hope promising “Everything would be ok” wasn’t enough when I found myself in a deep pit of my own digging. How does one truly believe that “everything would be ok” when (in my case) I single handedly tore apart my life with wretched sin?! What then?? Yet the verse DOES say, “ALL things”. If you allow your finger to glide down to the next verse you might see what turned the light on for me. The “all” mentioned in verse 28 has a direction correlation to “being conformed to the image of His Son” seen in verse 29. What higher good can we aim for in the here-and-now other than to be like Christ?! 

Currently, I am in a season of restoration, liberation, and mind-blowing peace. I cannot believe the grace that has been extended to me and the drenching of His love. I am clean, pure and in good standing with my God. Not a trace of my sins can be found because He tossed them into the sea of His forgetfulness! I am awed; I am so thankful. 

The “all things” that God has used are best left between me and Him. (this is a moment where I fully appreciate God’s rejection of the dark art of gossip!) The “being conformed” part I cannot know completely because… I’m not dead yet. But, I do have an idea of things He is guiding me to learn. One of them is a deep and real understanding of Him as my Father, even more intimate, as my Daddy. Gal. 4:6 says that His Spirit in us cries, “Abba, Father!” Times when I’m overwhelmed by fear, my flesh, and temptations all around me, His Spirit reminds me, “God is your Daddy! Your Papi! Call to Him, child!” I cannot publicly glorify God enough for the blessed Hope He’s given me in the person of His Spirit. Praise God for His Holy Spirit! I find it interesting that Jesus also called on God as Abba, Father in His darkest days on earth. No other title sufficed the need for comfort, protection, and love like “Daddy”.

I do not know you and no matter how oddly I twist my head or peer at my computer screen, I can’t see who is reading this. I mean, I’m sure there are ways of knowing with spies and everything or those little cameras that hide in pens!… but… never mind. I’m easily distracted. (my mom would here insert, “squirrel!”) I just want to show forth His praise, glorify Him, and be a testimony that God indeed is all He promised.  May God use me however He will.