A Tuesday Afternoon Angel

Sometimes I am at a loss for words. Today, once again, I found myself plunged into overwhelming stillness at the way God works. 

I’m not very strong and that is no secret. I’m no superhero; I am very weak. I do not pretend to be anything but. Yet I find myself in a position where I feel I must be strong, I must demonstrate superhero qualities, and I must work to be as un-weak as possible. I’m going to teach in a Christian school by faith. Literally, I have no idea how the Lord will provide! My faith has been tested sorely. I am three months out and I’ve only had two people come alongside me and offer their support. If God doesn’t provide, I can’t make it! 

Vicious doubts, like angry bees, swarmed and caused me to fear. I cried out to my God, “Please! Show me! Please prove to me that You love me enough to care for me! You’ve called me, am I now to be left alone?” Days went by. I could feel my spirit churning and I knew the unsettled feeling of relying on myself. 

Walking parallel to my inner struggle was the outward frustrations of an iPod that was malfunctioning and the dilemma of finding a phone to use in Peru. (trivial disturbances in comparison to my brother's upcoming surgery, trying to find tickets back to Peru, etc) My dad and I were gathering information about different options, knowing full well that the money wasn’t readily available to replace an iPod or buy a phone. 

Consider all thus far as the introduction to the short story I will now share. Today, my dad and I met with a man named Tim in a commercial parking lot. Tim asked questions about our ministry, for my dad mentioned we were missionaries. After a few moments, he told us that God had instructed him to give us an iPhone. He also said God wanted us to trust Him with our finances. Tim asked if he could pray for us. I cried as he asked God to strengthen our hearts and to heal Abbey of her autoimmune disease. We never once told him about Abbey’s illness. I have no doubt he was God-sent.

My friends, God can be trusted. Though this might seem silly to you, it was the miracle my heart has been thirsting for. Though I’m weak, He loves me. Everything I’ve ever longed to see is written on His face.

Forget Not

“Forget not at all His benefits”

The girl is young, but the determination on her face speaks of a heart of strength. With force, she drives her plastic shovel into the sand and scoop by scoop creates a hollow cavity. The sand mound grows as the clock ticks along. Her efforts are soon rewarded and she jumps to her feet, rejoicing, “I’ve found water! I’ve found water!”

How alike we are to this child. We enjoy the Water of Life only as our efforts permit. We sweat in the sun, ache with the labor, and are furious with the sand that topples back into our hard-earned hole. We say we must earn the benefits. Sure, we’re saved but why else did He give us a shovel and sand? We labor for our peace. Fight for perfection. Ache to know joy. We long without truly being satisfied. 

Silly children we are! If we would just lay our plastic shovel down and turn our focus away from our efforts, we would find the ocean rolling behind us. Deep, without measure, powerful and beautiful, the ocean calls. Why dabble in our measly endeavors when this great body of water is available to us? In our small "pond" we might dip our toes in the water; in His ocean, we can drench ourselves completely! He gives us all His benefits. (Not just the ones you feel you’ve earned!) Let’s not forget them!

No real reason

Story book colors. Shivers in chilly wind. Delightful crunchable leaves. Smiles accompanying the bonfire. Fall. It sure is a wonderful time of year! Observing this season has been refreshing. The leaves have really stuck with me. I mean, how can you ignore them? The bright colors demand an audience. Their graceful dance through the wind  is mesmerizing. The light brown pile they form simply begs for young feet to scatter them with joy. The leaves are wonderful.

In our day of budget trimming and program cutting, I'm afraid that leaves wouldn't have a promising future. We cannot eat them, we cannot use them to make clothing, and once plucked from the tree they do not retain their color. Especially in fall, it would seems that leaves are frivolously used! They change into a breath-taking assortment of colors only for a short time! Then they fall on the ground... and are done! We don't see anyone rushing around to recycle leaves. God does not re-use them come spring time! Yes, at the end of my deep thoughts and analyzing process, leaves are not vital to humanity.

Aren't you glad I don't run this universe! It would be a very practical, dull, and simple place for sure! Our God is lavish with His love, extravagant with His beauty, and endless with His mercy. In some ways, we should do away with the practical approach to life! Must we all have a solid reason to show love to the cashier? Must we have an outline as to why we should become involved in missions? Must we have concrete proof that God is calling us to forgive that person? Are there some things we could simply  because we are created by God... without any real reason? I do think I would like to have a life that is a little more... leafy!

Moved With Compassion

Perched on a tall stool in the kitchen, I flipped through the TV as I ate my nutritious bowl of cereal. I paused on a channel when a picture of a sickly, emaciated child flashed across the screen. The scene transitioned quickly to a beautiful blonde who urged all viewers to help provide these children with clean water to help them live healthy lives. My heart twisted as the child once again was shown. The camera zoomed in on his tear-streaked face. His big eyes seemed so hollow. I didn’t know his name, but my heart hurt for that little boy.

My mind went back to that moment when I read this verse in my quiet time: Mat 9:36  “But when he saw the multitudes, he was moved with compassion on them, because they fainted, and were scattered abroad, as sheep having no shepherd.” Why did I feel so deeply for that child? Why does the need for medicine, food, clothing, shelter, and physical safety affect the heart of Christians and non-Christians alike? How is it that we can feel emotions so powerful that they propel us to call that number on the screen, take a missions trip, or donate shoes to needy children? Somehow the needs that are showcased on TV or through a presentation tap into something deep in us that requires a sacrificial action. 

As I read the Bible, I am convicted of the command God gave to me to reach the lost. I am commanded to reach the world, along with every child of the King. I am willing to obey, but how can I, like Jesus, look on people with compassion? How do I see what He sees? Americans confuse me. I’m just being really honest here. I look at their shiny cars, 40-something plans, 8-5 work schedule, traffic and vacations… and I’m baffled. They don’t seem to need Jesus at all. Yet whether it is Peruvians or Americans, I want to see what Jesus sees. I want to be moved with compassion. When asked what he saw as he looked out a window, D.L. Moody replied, “I see countless thousands of souls that will one day spend eternity in hell if they do not find the Savior.” How do I grasp that passion? How does that part of Jesus become a part of me?

A very simple and maybe overly easy answer I’ve come to is this: we are moved with compassion when we see someone lacking something that we are convinced is essential to life. I hurt for those without proper medical care. I cry for my girls in Peru that are beat at home. I will gladly give food to the homeless woman on the corner. Medicine, safety, and food are things I consider to be essential for living. What about the soul that does not have Jesus?

Duck for cover!

To have something valuable that changes the quality of your life is great… if you use it! Yet to have something that is valuable and not avail yourself to it is like not having it at all! I was reminded of this in my quiet time this morning. Ps. 61:3: “For thou hast been a shelter for me, and a strong tower from the enemy.” I am not a fan of storms. At all. Ever. I HATE storms! I hate thunder and hail and dark clouds and loud wind!!!!! Whew. Feels good to get that out! 

If there is a place where I can go to be safe and dry from the storm, yet I choose to not enter that refuge, I will get drenched! (and hit by lightening!) Just because I choose to NOT hide in that refuge doesn’t mean it doesn’t exist. It doesn’t mean it isn’t enough to keep me safe… I will end up wet and cold because I didn’t go where safety and protection was offered. 

Lunch time today found me quite frustrated and overwhelmed. It was then that the Lord reminded me that He wants to be my Refuge and Strong Tower! It is up to me, though. He won’t force me to hide from my enemies. He won’t force me to find safety and peace in Him. But if I will submit to Him and obey, He becomes my Shelter and my Strong Tower. 

Beyond being simply valuable… God’s presence is amazing! His power is life-changing. His provision is humbling. Yet, to have something valuable and life-altering and not avail yourself to it is like not having it at all. God was my Shelter and Strong Tower today. I prayed for His help and the Holy Spirit quickly reminded me of verses I needed. I obeyed what His Word said and I was refreshed. And my enemy, well he had to flee. :)

Siendo La Luna

Esta semana me quede bien impresionada con la luna tan brillante. Viendo como alumbraba la noche con su belleza y dignidad, yo solo podía glorificar a Dios por Su creación tan maravillosa. Mientras manejaba a casa una noche oscura, me puse a pensar en el “trabajo” de la luna. Si lo piensas bien, honestamente, ¡la luna no hace mucho! Esta allí colgada en el cielo, y lo único que tiene que lograr cada noche es reflejar la luz del sol. ¡Nada más que eso! No tiene que trabajar para producir su propia luz. No tiene que ir a buscar la luz… solo tiene que reflejar lo que el sol le da. 

Yo creo que mi propósito en este mundo es de reflejar a Dios. Yo no soy capaz de crear mi propia justicia igual como la luna no es capaz de producir su propia luz. Y como la luna depende del sol, yo confié en Dios para mi salvación y miro a Él para guiarme cada día. Yo tengo como mi meta en la vida: representar a Dios a los demás. Hay muchos días que fallo y me equivoco mucho… pero sigo intentando. 

Igual como la luna solo refleja el sol, yo debo reflejar únicamente a Dios. Piénsalo así… si Dios está en control siempre, y yo esto reflejando Su Verdad, entonces yo debo tener paz y gozo… no preocupación y temor. Si Dios me hizo tal como soy, y estoy reflejando Su Verdad, entonces yo debo estar contenta con mi apariencia y confiada en Su plan. Pero, siendo honesta, hay veces que yo no reflejo a Dios. Si no, yo veo a mi alrededor, y reflejo lo que veo allí. Si me falta dinero, me preocupo y me desespero. Si un amigo(a) me maltrata, me deprimo o me pongo molesta. ¿Ves lo que te digo? En vez de reflejar a Dios y Su verdad en esas situaciones yo estoy reflejando lo que veo alrededor mío. 

La luna no tiene opción. Para brillar en la noche, si o si tiene que reflejar el sol. Pero tú y yo si tenemos opción. ¿A Quien vas a reflejar con tu vida?

Invisible Line

Being scared is a tough thing to deal with. It’s frustrating to be afraid of something! And, trust me, there are many things to be scared of in this big world! I mean, you can be scared of clowns, heights, darkness, storms, trusting people, dogs, or needles! A perfectly wonderful day can be completely reversed when you have to face something you fear. 

But what if you’re afraid of something invisible? 

I, personally, am terrified of “the line”. The “line” that marks the place where someone gives up on you and walks away is one of my biggest fears. The scariest part is that I have no idea where this line is and I have no idea when I’ll cross it. In my relationships with family and friends, this invisible line is such a strain and tension because it’s so easy to believe that it exists. I have no trouble believing that one day a close friend will finally become fed up with my struggles and the “line” will be crossed; I’ll watch that person give up on me and walk away. During moments of calm and communion with God, I can see that this isn’t always true. But what is truly surprising is how often this belief wiggles its way into my relationship with Him.

Weeks like the past two for me have pushed me to my limit and then some. It is only by God’s grace that I haven’t collapsed spiritually… although I have been physically down and out! *sniff* I become so fearful and needy when I face trials and my heart tells me that at some point God is just going to get fed up with me. I mean, what human would continue to be patient with my weakness and fear? What human wouldn’t expect me to pull it together and finally be strong enough to stand on my own?! 

I came to God this morning with these questions in my heart and a desperate cry for freedom from this obsession of “crossing the line” with Him. I read in Ps. 37: 17-18, 24 “… but the Lord upholdeth the righteous. The Lord knoweth the days of the upright…Though he fall, he shall not be utterly cast down; for the Lord upholdest Him with His hand.”

He knows what every day will hold and He understands the intensity of every trial I will face. He promises to be with me every single second and He will hold me up. He also knows that I will fall, but He promises to forgive me and restore me when I do. I want to live according to His Truth and His Light. It is such a comfort to know that He doesn’t give up on me when I struggle and that with Him, there is NO invisible line. I will never reach the point with God where He throws His hands up and walks away. No matter what, He will never leave. 

Now, as for being scared of clowns…

Blind-folded drama

Being blind-folded is the worst. Especially when you’re involved in some sort of skit or illustration, cause you have no idea what is coming at you! It kinda goes hand-in-hand with someone insisting you close your eyes and open your mouth. Seriously?! That’s crazy talk! I don’t know about you, but in those situations I am not feeling comfortable or relaxed regardless of hearing, “It’s ok, you can trust me!” Something I super don’t enjoy is when I’m blindfolded and being led somewhere. I mean, I trip enough with my eyes open! Blindfolding me and expecting me to not end up on my face just isn’t the brightest idea in the world.

 I smile at the memory of my little sister preparing a surprise for me and wanting to lead me to it with my eyes closed.  I closed my eyes tight (no peeking!) and allowed her to grab both my hands and pull me forward. I slid one foot in front of the other just to ensure I remained upright! We ended up having a lovely picnic and I sure wish I could give her a big hug right now! 

Today I have that idea in my head. The position of being blindfolded, yet being pulled or led forward. Personally, when I’ve been there and the other person is pulling me along faster than I’m comfortable with, I’ll lean way back so I can have time to prepare for whatever is coming! I’ll dig my heels in just a bit so I’m not as nervous about the whole not-seeing thing! 

I feel like I’m doing that with God. He’s trying to lead me forward yet I’m so scared because I can’t see. The horrible thing is, I can’t see, but I can hear. I can worry. I can feel. There are so many doubt and fears clamoring for my attention that sometimes the voice of His promises are drowned out. There are so many loose ends and unexplained trials that I lose sight of Him and worry clouds my eyes. Reality can be choked by feelings, especially when family is so far away and answers aren't forthcoming!

This tension between Him leading forward and me pulling back has to end. Either I have to stop resisting or He’s going to have to stop directing! Put like that, the “what should I do?!” question seems comically clear. Ps. 147:5 reads, “Great is our Lord, and of great power: his understanding is infinite.” God is great, big, strong! He’s over everything and seems extra GREAT in light of my itty bitty smallness! Not only is He great, but He has great power! Whatever His great mind wants for my little life, He has the great power to carry out! The last part of the verse really smacked me upside the head. Who do I think I am to rest in my judgment and act on my fears when my understanding is so miniscule?! His understanding is infinite! No limit, no end or start… infinite. Immeasurably great.

As kids we would always try to one-up each other in everything. A common conversation would be, “Hey I can eat two hotdogs!” “Oh really? Well I can eat twelve hot dogs!” “Oh yeah?! Well, I can eat one thousand plus infinity hot dogs!” Whoever used the “infinity” line first always one. I mean, how do you beat infinity? So, here I am… such a silly human. Blind fold still in place and I still don’t see where I’m headed. Know what? It’s ok because the One holding my hand is great, has great power, oh, and get this… He’s infinite. He’s already been there. It’s all good.